My Thoughts

Awake at 4.37 am

2012-02-18T05:50:00.002+08:00

Saturday 4.37 am
Mood: Awake!!!!
Listening to: One in a million by Ne-Yo

One more day of enjoying 'doing nothing' before I get back to work tomorrow. God, I found myself not enjoying work for the past few years. So most of the time, I just want to finish the tasks on hand, get it done and go home. It has been physically and emotionally draining. Been a nurse for more than 10 years. I did not know that I could stay in this line for so damn long. The question is, for how long can I be in an unhappy job?
God, give me some guidance please. Thank You.

Anyway, I absolutely love this song by Ne-yo!

No, I AM NOT romantically involved with anyone. Unfortunately. Boo Hoo

Just that, this song made me a little happy, having my GROOVE on, if with you know what I mean. I would listen to my playlist comprising of three songs over and over again. The songs that I am listening to are one in a million by Ne-Yo, Chammak Chalo by Akon and A woman in love by Babra Streisand. Yeah, weird combination but I guess it is cool..for my taste.

So my plans for today is to continue doing nothing. I have done my laundry yesterday. I have watched the latest episodes of Criminal Minds and currently catching up on Supernatural Season 7. Sleep which I need quite dearly but currently I am not feeling sleepy right now.

I sleep during the day and awake by night. I think becoming a vampire may suit my lifestyle. Sorry. Kinda lame, I know. Anyway, just entertain me for awhile.

If I have a super power. I want a super power that sucks valuable knowledge. If I am hungry, I would touch a person or a book to satisfy my hunger. I don't need blood. I just need knowledge or skills. Skills like how to ride a motorcycle, martial arts. knowledge on the wonders of arithmetic(I hate math by the way) etc. Well, ain't that AWESOME?! Nobody need to die cos I don't fancy human blood. With the knowledge and skills, I can almost do anything.

Haha

I am talking crazy but these figments of my imagination can be made into a character in a novel!

Okay move on...

By the way, I received an area code of 62 on my mobile. It was a missed call, so with the help of Google, I know that it is from Indonesia and the first person that spring in to my mind was the Uncle who borrowed money from me. Hmmm, only God knows I supposed.

Talking about Indonesia, I have been watching a lot of malay movies such as Ombak Rindu and Lagenda Budak Setan, one of my colleagues asked me whether I cried at the heart wrenching scenes. My reply was I did not cry as I have gone through worse. I think I would have act out a more convincing scene where Isabella laid down in a fetal position when Edwards leaves her. I could cry an instant river and do just that cos I have done that before.

Yes, I have laid down on an unfamiliar place, curling and bawling my eyes out, I have never felt so alone. He just left me there. But that man was no Edward. He was a villain in my story.

My 'I have gone through worse' was my love life. I went through a terrible period from the years of 2008 till 2010. Tears were shed so often during those years. 2010 and 2011 was about me picking up the pieces. I went through depression. I hardly sleep, fell sick frequently and death was in my mind numerous times. It was even harder cos I don't have anyone to talk to about what I feel. The person responsible for my sanity was out of the picture, no doubt about that but the moving on with life is not so easy. I often self-blame myself. How can I be so stupid?

I do get restless,feeling down, lonely and anxious at times for no apparent reason nowadays but at least I managed to have some sleep.

I have to have faith in God. He already had shown me some light and guidance to break the spell in which the villain had his reigns on me. I am waiting for a Hero to enter my so lonely life. Insyallah.

Okay, happy thoughts. Gonna play Order Up!!To Go on my iPad, hopefully I will be sleepy enough to slumberland.

Hello, uncle! Can I have my money BACK?!

2012-02-15T21:40:00.002+08:00

Wednesday 9.33 pm

Yay! Away from work for the next three days. Boo hoo to work on a Sunday this weekend.

Not going to do much i.e in getting out of the house.

Pretty much cash stripped right now. So tempted to text my uncle to return back my $860, which he borrowed since December. But at the same time, I don't want to sound like a loan shark.

Argh!

Dilemma!

:(

Between a friend and a mother. I choose my mother.

2012-02-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

5.52 pm
Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Chammak Chalo by Akon

I know my mother too well I guess. Few weeks ago, I told my mum that I may want to go to KL with my friends and she shot me the unhappy look and did not utter a word. So apparently, one of my friends discouraged me to go cos it will be a nightmare going with the other friends of mine.

My immediate reaction was that I told her that my Mum would not allow me to go. The reasons that my Mum would come out with are; it is not safe, too many crimes i.e robbery, rape, acid splash and accidents especially if I take the coach.

And lo and behold, a few days later, whatever I told my friend of what my Mum would say, she said it to me with so much drama.

Conclusion is, I will not go to KL without my Mum's blessings. Even though my Sister may went to New Zealand without my Mum's blessings, that does not mean I should rebel and just go ahead with the trip.

One thing for sure, I am not my sister.

Even though I feel that my Mum is a drama MAMA and over-protective of my well being most of the time.

Well, my dear friends, I would prefer mum's blessings than her wrath. Ultimately, paradise is under my mother's feet.

Between friends and my Mum. Sorry, I choose my Mum.

I am not saying that I am a perfect daughter or a Saint, but I will do what I can to please my mum. Mum's good prayers are more befitting than ill comments.

http://english.bayynat.org.lb/Issues/mothersday.htm

The Paradise is under mothers' feet

Right from the beginning, and in both the Holy Quran and the Prophet’s actions and sayings, Islam has given the mother a status higher than the father, as to loving or treating her with love and kindness. For mothers suffer a lot before the child is born.

Moreover, if she is sick before getting pregnant, she tends to get worse during pregnancy. Then her life will be threatened when she gives birth. She also has to nurse and take care of the child, which restricts her freedom of movement.

That is why Allah talked about the suffering of the mother which is not shared by the father: “And We have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months” {46:15} .On the other hand, the father has a duty in providing for his children and in raising and educating them.

That is why Allah equated between them when it comes to treating them kindly… Allah repeated the word “parents” several times in the Holy Quran: And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "Ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word, while preserving precedence for the mother since she is the one who has suffers more.

This is why the Messenger (p.) said: “Heaven is under the feet of mothers”. Meaning that Heaven is the reward of her endurance and patience… Certain traditions have it that if the mother dies while giving birth she is considered a martyr.

Imam Zein Al-Abidein says: “It is also said that once a man came to the Messenger (p.) and asked: “I feed my parents, carry them on my back and clean them, have I fulfilled my duty towards them? The Prophet (p.) answered: No, because, you are serving them in anticipation for their death while they served you wishing you a long life”.

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said that the Prophet (p.) was asked once by a Muslim: Whom should I be kind to?” The Prophet said your mother. He repeated it three times, and he then said your father.

A man called Ibrahim bin Mohazzam narrated the following story: I once quarreled with my mother and I was cruel to her. The following day Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said to me: How could you that? Don’t you know that her womb is a house that you had lived in… and that her breast is a bowl that you drank from? Do not do that again.

The Quran prohibited any harm to the parents even if by words, but lower to them the wing of humility " And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: My Lord! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood". This kind of humility, does not lower man but elevates him, since it is out of kindness.

A man came to Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) saying that he has embraced Islam while his mother did not, and asked him about what he should do.

The Imam said: “See how you used to take care of her when you and her were embracing the same religion and multiply it”.

When he did so, the mother noticed and asked him why. He told her: “I was ordered to do so by the leader of this religion”. The mother asked: “Is he a prophet?”; “No he is a son of the prophet” the man answered. The women ended up in adopting such a religion whose morals are that high and spiritual.

Thus, the issue of motherhood is very fundamental in the Islamic view of the family. What we have said so far about it implies two responsibilities: the responsibility of children towards their parents and that of the husband. The problem with some husbands is that they under-appreciate motherhood... But they would act as thugs, threatening all the time to divorce women.

The second point: man has to be very careful when he chooses a mother for his children.

He has to choose a woman who is well educated and well raised.

Beauty and money will not last. Moreover you do not live with a check book or a painting... You live with a spiritual and social companion. That is why the prophet advised us to marry those who are pious in their religion.

Then when a man chooses a wife he has to appreciate all the efforts she makes in bringing up the children. Women too have to appreciate man’s struggle to provide for the family… Thus, theirs is a relationship of complementing one another. And if both husband and wife are good to one another and to their children, Allah, the most Exalted, will bring them together in paradise as He has promised in the Quran.

May not be the real thing. But it's COOL!

2012-02-06T00:02:00.002+08:00

12.01 AM

May not be an official Criminal Minds twitter. But I was happy! Let me take this opportunity that I am A COLOSSAL FAN of Dr Spencer Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) and the show of course!

:)

At the meantime, gonna watch Supernatural Season 6 Ep 6 before I go to bed. Morning shift later. Argh!

Good Mood

2012-02-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

5.43 pm
Mood: Good
Listening to: Breathing by Jason Derulo

Alhamdullillah.

I had a good night sleep. Was really tired after an exhausting work yesterday. I did the shopping today instead.

Had lunch with my youngest brother for my favourite spicy salmon ramen at Ramen Ten Clementi first before heading to West Mall.

Generally feels great after the retail therapy and we headed home soon after.

Time spent at home was just lazing around, watching some DVDs and such. No housework for me today.

Drama of my day

2012-01-30T12:28:00.002+08:00

11.35 am
Mood: Stressed
Listening to: Woman in Love by Babra Streisand

Woke up around 9 in the morning rather reluctantly. I have errands to do later in the afternoon to handle family issues. Family drama one after another.

Sometimes it sucks to be the eldest. Perhaps it is just one of those tests from God. But I can't help worrying about my family situation, it is getting from bad to worse and worse still, I cannot do anything about it.

My life revolves around them. They matter to me the most and yet the experiences can be burdening at times.

There were times when I stared at my mother and wishing that I could do more to make her happy but ultimately if Dad change to a more responsible husband and understanding his role towards my Mum, then it would not be in this kind of mess. Where is all the LOVE? I think people are more in love with materialism than humanity itself towards one another. My Dad always seemed to chase wealth the wrong way for so many years but what are the rewards? I think he's getting poorer by the minute.

Dear God, please give my parents some guidance. I want to see them at peace.

Why do we have to be cruel to one another?

Talking about cruelty, one of my ex suddenly popped up in a window message saying hey to me? What the hell are you thinking? Trying to con me again? Well, I don't mind if you want to return back my money. I dare YOU!

But let me tell you this.

I would never ever in my life or the afterlife, forgive you for what you have done to me.

NEVER.

People said that when praying to God, pray for the best and the good.

But for YOU, I prayed that God will make your life on earth a living hell every single day. I am really praying that Karma will get to you ten times fold and JUSTICE would be served.

Sorry for the emotional post.

And I know that the pic of Dr Reid does not goes well with this post. But he is my eye candy, plus I had just finished watching the latest episode of Criminal Minds S7E12. Looking at him makes me happy.

I like looking at Chace Crawford too. So cute. I don't watch Gossip Girl but I think I saw him in the movie The Covenant. Talking about good looking men, certainly brightened up my day. Who does not love beautiful things/persons. Hopefully, they have a beautiful heart to go along with that pretty face.

Unlike a person that I know of. A handsome face but an EVIL heart.

Okay got to go now.

Here is the another eye candy!

And my favourite DOCTOR in the whole wide world!

Picture from http://www.fanpop.com/spots/dr-spencer-reid/images/18506259/title/spencer-reid-wallpaper

Lazing on a Sunday afternoon

2012-01-29T16:02:00.001+08:00

3.39 pm
Mood: Bored
Listening to: Baby Bash - Baby, I'm back ft. Akon

*Shudders*

It was not exactly a bad dream. A bit creepy. I dreamed of my late paternal grandmother. When I saw her in the dream, I asked her whether is she for real or an apparition?

Anyway, I told her that I loved her and misses her. If not for the 'red light' that I am having, I would have 'sedekah kan surah al-fatihah to her' meaning praying some holy verse whenever one dreamed of the deceased. I am not very closed to my grandma and she may not be the best grandma when she was alive but nevertheless I hoped that she is in a better place.

But, I preferred my paternal grandfather. He always gave a hand in need to my parents and he showed genuine concern over us. I miss him too. May God bless both of you.

By the way, despite the 'creepy' dreams, I had slept well. Was feeling tired lately.

Gonna watch some tv now.

Picture by: http://fallenangel1991.deviantart.com/art/White-Wolf-Wallpaper-150388230

Mum and dad

2012-01-28T06:36:00.002+08:00

6.24 am
Mood: tired
Listening to: one in a million by ne-yo

I am in the cab right now. On my way to work. Certainly looking forward towards my 2 days away from work, which will be tomorrow and Monday. Hopefully, I will be able to do more productive things when I am at home.

Feeling so sleepy right now. I woke around 1 am this morning to some nightmares that I was having and it took me awhile before I succumbed to the drowsiness. I have been feeling rather listless and tired for the past few days. Felt as though I do not have any rest.

Anyway, yesterday, I was speechless when my mum asked, what should she do about my dad. Well, the had a fight several days ago and sort of told my mum that there were no relationships between them. So, they have been having this cold war for a few days now.

It was clear to me, that my dad was in the wrong but he was just so blind to see. I pitied my mum, it is not easy being married to my dad. He\'s getting worse as the years goes by.

And after much thoughts, I told her to ask/sort out with dad herself.

And she did but there were no conclusion. Hence they are not talking to each other since.

Sigh.

:( I hate the way I am feeling right now

2012-01-25T22:05:00.001+08:00

Mood: uncomfortable
Listening to: one in a million by Ne-Yo

9.52 pm

In the end, I do nothing today. Slept a lot. I was tired. After waking around 3 am, I fell asleep again at 5 am, woke up around 9am and fell asleep again at 11 am and woke up at 2 pm. I was just too lazy to do any housework. I watched some Bollywood movie instead. Fanaa was available at Sony Entertainment channel, apparently free views during the CNY.

I was feeling a bit depressed yet another time again, maybe due to the 'red light' that I am having. I did not even laugh when I watched the sitcoms on Tv.

Plus, I am having the allergic reactions due to my cats. My eyes are swollen and itchy. I sneezed non-stop, hence the negative emotions are piling up. I really hated the way I am feeling right now.

Gonna put some eye candy picture for myself even though it is not appropriate for this post. I heart T.O.P. Can I dream of something sweet tonight?

Slumberland

2012-01-25T03:50:00.001+08:00

3.40 am
Mood: awake
Listening to: Shi-kuretto Karuma by Hellsing

Had just woken up from slumberland. I was darn tired yesterday. Worked the morning shift and I just realized that I have not completed certain things. Will do it when I am back to work. Went to sis ng's house for CNY with most of the working colleagues and sheepishly accepting some of the Ang pows. Hehe.

The moment I reached home, showered and once I meet my bed,I fell asleep. But of course, sleeping early will caused me to wake up early too. For instance, like now.

Today, my day will be spent on the usual mundane things that I do at home. Laundry, tidying up things here and there and chilling session.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Just wondering...

2012-01-23T23:39:00.002+08:00

11.18 pm
Mood: sleepy
Listening to: Woman in love by Babra Streisand

Girl-girl aka sayang my cat is waiting for me to lie down in bed for some cuddling time. But told her I am a bit occupied cos I wanna do some blogging first. Love you lots my girl. Soon okay? ( talking about the pic )

I had trouble waking up today cos I had taken piriton yesterday. One more day of work tomorrow and my rest day will be on Thursday.

Honestly, I really like working for three days in row followed by a day off. If it is more than 3 days, sort of draining my energy down. Tomorrow will be the 4th day, and I am feeling a little cranky.

Today, I am quite puzzled of why someone was concerned about some things that I may plan/ may not plan to do cos I hardly exist in their social circles in the first place. Oh well, after much reflection, I myself find that my explanations and answers are unsatisfactory. I should have given more diplomatic answers. So God,pardon me. I shouldn't have said the things that I have said. I will be more careful the next time. But what is done or said cannot be retracted back unfortunately.

Good night, feeling sleepy, wishing that I will have sweet dreams cos my dreams tend to be on the horror genre. Eeeks. God, protect me. Ease my burdened heart.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Woman in Love

2012-01-22T23:36:00.001+08:00

11.25 pm
Current mood: a bit sad
Currently listening to: A woman in love by Babra Streisand

I was in my mother's room just spending time with her a little, when that particular song played on the radio, we fell in love with it instantly.
Together with my mum, I youtubed it and we found one that has the lyrics. So sweet and romantic.

I listened to it again in my room and I cried.

Well, I am not in love. I don't love anybody. Except with my idol crushes like Choi Seung Hyung, Matthew Gray Gubler and Aamir Khan. I am still single. It is just that the song reminded me the person I was when I WAS in love, ultimately caused me major heart breaks over the years.

God never liked his followers to give up easily.

Though I am disheartened with the so many failed relationships. I believe that one day, my heart will be open to love again and I sincerely prayed that the man will love me as much as I'd love him.

Inshallah.

Amin.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

On the way to work

2012-01-21T11:56:00.002+08:00

11.46 pm Saturday
Current mood: sleepy
Currently listening to: Happy Together by The Turtles.

Currently in the cab, on the way to work. That pic was me getting ready for work. I look happy right? Ha, as if!

Anyway, The taxi uncle goes by the long way again despite me saying which way I wanted to go. Hmph!

I think I will be working for the next fours days, in view of Chinese New Year. I hoped that I can easily get cabs during the holidays though. I don't like taking the train.

Anyway, yesterday I panicked for a moment cos I was shocked to see my dad came home first before mum. I thought that mum and dad usually went to that place together. I called mum repeatedly and texted her but she did not reply to any of my messages.

How could my father left her alone in that type of place. Eventually, mum came home safe and sound. I was asleep by the time she reached home after midnight.

This morning she had told me what had happened. Dad did not meet her cos she said that she will only give the money once my dad reached there. So, in anger my dad left her there. Poor mummy. Dad has been getting more and more irresponsible lately.

But, I can't say much. I only pray that god will shine some light into their hearts.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

True Genius

2012-01-20T15:06:00.003+08:00

Friday 2.56 pm
Current Mood: Slightly Bored
Currently Listening To: One in a million by Ne-yo

I was sleeping rather nicely this morning, but my sleep was interrupted due to an upset tummy. I was tired. Fortunately, I managed to catch a few more winks till Girl-girl aka Sayang my cat cuddled with me in bed. After she left, as usual I would play some stuffs on my iPad and surfed you tube. The latest episode of Criminal Minds Season 7 Ep 11 was up, so I watched.

I get my arse out of my bed and went to take a shower. After shower, I made the potato puffs/begedil. Had just eaten and watched some TV. Tsk Tsk Tsk, I ate 10 of those potato puffs. I simply cannot resist it. Forced myself to stop eating more.

It is raining now, dark, cozy and cooling. It would be nice to sleep in this weather, unfortunately I am not sleepy.

Slightly bored. And since I am a bit fascinated with these astrological stuffs. This time around is about Scorpio Woman and a Cancer man.

http://www.ask-oracle.com/sign-compatibility/cancer-man-scorpio-woman/

Since both the Cancer and Scorpio are Water signs, they blend well with each other and pair up easily. Both the Cancer and the Scorpio takes commitment seriously, and none of them is frivolous with their romantic feelings and expressions. They both create a strong bond of unlimited passion and compassion.

A Cancer man is very courteous and considerate man with sharp intellect and overwhelming sense of humor. He has the great ability to laugh at things that irk him and he can even laugh at himself showing the ease of his nature. Though his pessimism is depressing but usually he is alert enough to avoid such situations. He has a cautious nature and he tends to think rationally before doing anything. He always proves to be a lot of fun as a lover. He has a streaking sophistication that deeply impresses a Scorpio woman. He is definitely good at earning and saving money but hates wastefulness.

A Scorpio woman is a completely confident woman with magnetic attraction in her personality. She is all woman with seducing beauty and enough glamor to make the heads turn for her. The faith and passion for love comes naturally to her. When in a relationship with Cancer man, she provides a lot of affection both emotionally and physically to make him feel secure. She is a possessive lover and jealousy may arise when she finds other girls around her lover and may even get suspicious at small things.

A Scorpio woman easily attracts a Cancer man with her dazzling personality and charming persona. She is a strong woman with a fragile heart that loves her Cancer male with complete devotion and loyalty. She is an intense lover who makes him feel secure as for the first time he gets a mate who is more devoted and possessive then he himself. She helps him to flourish a career and herself also stand as a woman of substance with a career to be envied. She wonderfully esteems the protective and witty nature of him but her sense of self-importance makes her to dislike jokes aimed towards her. At times she can be viciously suspicious and her fury can give some unforgettable bruises to the sensitive Cancer heart. However, she is generally a very warm lady with generous attitude and passionate display of love.

A Cancer man is one person who can protect the Scorpio woman without making her feel dominated. He has a sensitive nature and makes her a part of his own sensitivity with lots of pampering. He is a faithful lover who always backs his Scorpio female to support her in all ups and downs of life. He always makes his lady love smile and feel assured with his sophisticated sense of humor and dedicated love that he showers on her compassionately. He easily forgives her even when she behaves in a rude way but displays his anxiety if he gets to know that she is hiding something from him. As calm and lovable Cancer male is, he can be sometimes very moody and insecure giving hitches to the Scorpio woman who gets confused on such responses of her man.

As these two Water signs fall for each other, they make a perfect relationship. This couple is tremendously loyal to each other and with increasing confidence in the relationship; their secrecy element dissolves away making them closely attached emotionally, mentally and physically in a complete unison! Together they are likely to have a fabulous relationship along with a flourishing career. The Cancer man makes his charming lady smile with his sense of divine comedy while the Scorpio woman makes her gentleman feel more loved with her immense devotion. As the love between this couple intensifies, they plunge in a never ending stream of affection to be lost forever. Their love becomes warmer than sunshine and cooler than sprinkle to give them a blissful pleasure of oneness. With each passing day their differences melt away making them one soul dwelling in two bodies!

Both, the Cancer man and Scorpio woman enjoy an excellent physical relationship with a great amalgam of Water from cool to warm to hot! The chemistry shared by them can be attributed to the harmony that prevails in the relationship. Once he becomes confident in a relationship, he strongly displays his wildly fervent side. The Cancer man and Scorpio woman can infuse their emotional sides in the physical relationship, and it helps them to have a wholesome relationship where the partners do not compartmentalize sex and emotions separately. He provides strong compassion and she gives thrilling passion to their love- making. Since they are very emotionally attached to each other even during the process of lovemaking, they can experience the joys of a physical relationship with great emotional attachment and sentimental involvement that very few couples can experience. This explains the powerful initial attraction between the two lovers, their pain when separated and their abundant opportunities for reconciliation after a quarrel. At times the sizzling Scorpio woman can take the help of sex in order to manipulate her Cancer man. Sometimes he won’t mind it, but whenever he senses an attack at his basic rights, he would more fiercely repel the tricks played by her.

Though basically the relationship of the cancer man and Scorpio woman is full of love and passion but both of them find it difficult to follow the lead of the other partner and it causes some amount of problem. Both of them nurture secrets well but they both are uncomfortable if their partner hides something from them. He is not as intense as her and this can cause some fissure in the association. The willingness of the Scorpio female to take risks and enter into unknown situations is considered foolish by Cancer male while she finds him less courageous. He may also find her very suspicious while she may find her moody and cold at times. But these problems can be worked out once they both decide to be together because both are strongly determined people with a lot of respect for true love and sincere devotion.

sigh

2012-01-19T20:03:00.001+08:00

(Dr Spencer Reid Photo by http://jackpotgirl91.deviantart.com/art/Dr-Spencer-Reid-new-156997835)

7.42 pm

Off all the men or doctors in the world, why do I have to dream of Prof C.S**G?!!!! Argh, so damn frustrating. Well, in the dream. I did not actually see him. It was his voice and he was in a damn good mood. So thank God for that, at least I did not shake or die in fright in my dreams. My uncle(who borrowed money from me) was in my dreams too and I asked him what had happened to my money?

Sigh. Nonsensical dreams that I had.

But my favourite Doctor in the world is the one in the picture. I heart you. I have yet to dream of him though. Weird.

ANYWAY....

Today, I woke up early. Thanks to the so called 'wonderful' dreams. Played on my ipad, listening to music on my bed till I am happy enough to rise from my bed. Showered and get ready for the spa massage today.

Honestly, I still think the massage at Bintan was the best I had ever had. But I am not the type who is a complainer, just being tolerant. I still have about 8 or 10 more sessions to go. I WILL NOT SIGN for another package with that spa again.

After the spa, went to buy ingredients for mee soto and potato puffs, which I cooked at home later on. Met Izfa there, said my hi and I left.

So my day at home was spent cooking, watching TV, disturbed my cats, chit-chatting with my mum in her room.

Then, Dad came home and wanted to watch korean dramas, so here I am at the computer in my room. I am watching criminal minds, twittered, facebooking, youtubing, blogging and listening to music in between.

Tomorrow will be my another off day. It will be the Laundry Day.

Boring, but it is nice, peaceful and quiet.

Dead tired

2012-01-18T19:16:00.001+08:00

Wednesday 7.05

Oh my God, feeling rather tired and sleepy now. Probably sleep early tonight. Plus my feet hurts too, not due to me being the eye nurse but I was the A side nurse today.

Today felt like that there were 1001 intravenous antibiotics to be given on my side. I only began to settle almost closed to 10 am.

A tiring day.

But I am happy cos I will be away from work for 2 days.

Yay!

I had almost forgotten about my spa massage tomorrow. Fortunately, they called me up and reminded me. Will be having the massage tomorrow around 11.30 am.

Maybe do some groceries shopping thereafter. It has been awhile since I do any serious cooking. Sort of craving for potato puffs. I shall make them tomorrow.

I can hardly open my eyes now. Gonna zzzzzzzzz.

Sweet dreams..

P.S to my subconscious mind: Can the man that I wanted to appear in my dreams be there. You have been giving me men that I don't want to dream about. It has been upsetting me for the past few days.

:d

9.18 pm

Ha! I said that I will go to sleep but earlier on I was thinking about tough stuffs that made me too upset to fall asleep. Gonna search for any anarex somewhere out there. I need some sleep.

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Coda

2012-01-17T23:28:00.002+08:00

11.25 pm Tuesday

I HEART DR SPENCER REID ESPECIALLY IN THIS SEASON

Love you lots and lots!

Monday Blues

2012-01-16T23:02:00.001+08:00

Monday 11.45 pm

I woke up early today at 8 am. Laid in bed, thinking about stuffs. Get out of bed at 9.30 am, ironed the uniform and had my shower. Took cab to work around 11 am cos I wanted to have lunch at work plus the weather was pretty humid. Beads of perspiration formed once I went out of the house.

Work was okay. I was the plastic nurse at B. Felt weird doing plastics during the day. Since B side has another 2 SN besides me, I took the liberty to guide one of the juniors. But of course, if it was a busy day, I do not think I will have the time to guide the newer staffs. I would be too occupied to complete tasks on hand.

So, it is not a bad day.

Took the cab home and shared the ride. When I see the mirror, a bit upset with my hair. I have these short frizzed out new hair growth all over my head.i think I may need to wait at least 3 weeks after the CNY to have my hair done, cos if I do it now, it would definitely cost me a bomb. And my face looked pretty dehydrated, there were dry flaky skin especially around my nose. So after washing my face. I pat on the Egyptian Magic Cream. Hopefully, it will not be so dry tomorrow. Dry face will cause an unsightly make-up.

Anyway, sweet dreams...Night night.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My typical Sunday( its my off day)

2012-01-15T08:21:00.002+08:00

Sunday 8.12 am

Good morning!

Yup, I am not working today. Dislike working on a Sunday even though I knew that workload are lesser. So going to relish the time I had on a Sunday.

Anyway, did not have a good dream. Another one of those nonsensical dreams and dreams about ghosts. Hmmmm, maybe I had forgotten to mutter some prayers before I sleep.

Ha! Actually, I did not manage to do all those stuffs I had mentioned yesterday except for the shower. I ended up watching tv instead. I promise I will do them now. Ummm maybe later. Hehe.

Sunday 2.05 pm

After the shower in the morning, had my breakfast and went to my mum's room to watch the tv since dad was watching in the living room. My eyes were itchy so I rubbed my eyes.

Mum told me that the prophet Muhammad( peace onto him) encouraged us to cry once in awhile for healthier eyes.

My eyes went really huge and I said that I had bawled my eyes out a few days out and immediately shut my mouth tight. Well, I think she ignored what I said. Haha might as well. I was afraid that she will ask why I cried. But logically, my eyes itched due to allergens. Whatever it is, I still listened to what you have to say my dear mummy.

Sometimes, actually nowadays, I get emotional. So I cried plenty when nobody is watching. I have stopped taking the faverin months ago. I want to be strong but sometimes I falter. It happens I guess.

Well, depression aside. I managed to do some of the chores today. I watched Ip Man and Ip Man 2. I wanna watch some kung fu stuffs. I shall search for Kung Fu hustle later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

On a Saturday afternoon. Updated.

2012-01-14T14:13:00.002+08:00

Saturday 2.06 pm

Yeah, I am at home on a Saturday afternoon. I went out in the morning to buy as many cat food I can find. Bought some cereals and milk too.

Currently, there's no good shows on tv and I don't feel like doing the household chores today. Just don't feel like doing anything at all.

But one thing that I will do now is SLEEP.

This must have been the boring post ever!

Saturday 6.12 pm

Feeling like an energized bunny after my powerful nap. Can't remember much of what I had dreamt about. I haven't been having happy dreams lately. Dreams of the horror nature or a twisted one are the ones that I have been experiencing. Not good.

I need more happy, lovely, sweet and logical dreams.

:D

So what shall I do this evening?

Will update my playlist on my iPad. Maybe I should do my laundry. Tidy up the open closet. Sweep and mop the floor. Reorganize the stuffs on my dressing table and hopefully there are some good shows over at cable.

For now, I shall take another shower and lather myself with the sweet, citrus scent of satsuma from Body Shop and I will do the rest of the stuffs later.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

B.O.R.E.D

2012-01-12T11:02:00.004+08:00

Thursday 11.01 am

Listening to music of the past FULL BLAST blaring in my room such as Franz Ferdinand, Kylie Minogue, Seal, Gorillaz, 311, Brooke Valentine and Natalie.

A bit bored now. Not to sure what to do. I woke up early today as I had slept early last night. I so wanted to eat Salmon Ramen but in a pinch right now, so I ate Maggi Curry instant noodles instead.

Huhuhuhu.

Outburst

2012-01-10T03:48:00.002+08:00

Tuesday 3.45 am

Without any apparent rhyme or reason, I burst out crying and bawling over nothing.

Why do I feel so tortured and loss? I just feel so sad....

Nothing happened while I was at work. I was alright when I got home. And I cried a river the moment I lied down on my bed.

The tears has stopped now though.

God, please give me guidance. Ease my heavy heart and sorrow away.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Scorpio Woman

2012-01-09T02:39:00.003+08:00

http://www.scorpioinfo.com/scorpio-woman.html

All about the Scorpio woman.

The scorpio female is a very hard lady to pin down. It takes a strong man to harness her. She can be very critical and has little patience for the shortcomings of others. She can see through flattery, she is very intuitive and can read people very well. Any of your advances and attempts to flatter her will be called out, making you feel vulnerable or confused. She is usually the one who likes to seduce and have the thrill of the chase. This is they way she is, a very strong person with stern opinions and beliefs. The Scorpio woman does not like being alone, they like having acceptance and sometimes they can flutter form man to man to get the acceptance and the feeling of being needed. If you can live with her ways, she can love you very passionately.

She's very intuitive so you can't fool her! (me: yeah damn right!) You'll never be bored with a scorpio woman. Even though she's mysterious and secretive, she can let out humorous statements and act silly sometimes. She's a very unique person and has a very creative mind. She will be very interesting to live with thanks to all the facets of her personality. Even though she may not be patient with you, you'll need to be patient with her. Sure It doesn't seem fair but in every relationship there is compromise and this is one compromise you'll have to make with her.

She will be very possessive of her men so a man who needs independence better watch out. She has little tolerance for stupidity. You'll need to be unique enough to keep her intrigued but not too much where she can't pin you down. She needs security in her relationship so if you're a good provider, she'll really like you.

You need to be stable - eccentric is okay but if you spend all your money foolishly then she'll be turned off by you. She has very exacting standards and many men are confused with her, but you'll have to slowly get to know her. She won't let you in right away either she needs patience.

She needs a breadwinner and provider, she's an old fashioned lady with a twist. (me: no wonder) She's usually suspicious of new people, the Scorpio female doesn't make friends too easily and male partners are no different. Prove to her you're a determined person with goals in your life and she'll be more interested. Don't lie to her or be to flaky because she can see right through that. (me: yup)

Often the scorpio female attracts weak men, they like her strong personality and full sense of worth. She is attracted initially to the feeling of being needed but this is short lived when she realizes that he can never provide for her. (me: true, no wonder my exes loves asking money from me, ultimately I just can't stand it anymore, why should I be the provider?)

For these reasons, the Scorpio female tends to have many lovers one after the other as she is on the eternal passionate search for a man who is truly compatible with her. If relationships never seem to work out, then she should realize that she will be fine on her own. She is strong enough and determined enough to make her self successful without needing a man there to back her up. Relationship issues can arise because of her need to be accepted. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Can't get you out of my head

2012-01-08T09:43:00.003+08:00

Sunday 9.43 am

A little bored right now. I woke up at 4 am, had my shower and breakfast. Kept flicking through the cable and settled on watching NCIS. After that, nothing else to watch.

So went back to my room, logged on to Facebook and Twitter. Nothing happening.

Just looking through and listening to music videos over at you tube.

I so wanted to go out today, but it seems that I catch the bug from my brother and mum. Quickly popped in panadol and procodin. Had my lozenges too. I guess I will be pretty drowsy later. What choice do I have. Argh. And going back to WORK tomorrow. Nooooooo! So ain't looking forward to it! I made the wrong career choice. When I was much younger, I so wanted to do pyschology but I don't know how to find resources or courses available in Singapore and I chose nursing because I got to study psychology. I was even thinking to work at IMH but the problem is, the area was too far.

Sigh...maybe I should save up some money and maybe one day. I would got to do what I really like to do.

P.S: I still can't get rid of Dr Spencer Reid from my mind.

Restless

2012-01-07T11:20:00.000+08:00

Saturday 11.07 am

I am feeling rather restless. I think I woke up around 10 pm last night and have not slept since.

I am hoping that I can keep myself awake or else I will be in trouble when I stepped back to reality i.e work on Monday.

And I don't think I will attend the ward party today. If my diarrhea still persists then I shouldn't go then.

I certainly don't know what to do now. I have been watching Criminal Minds for many days and stopped at Season 6 Ep 5.

I need to watch something funny and light and happy. I do love watching Dr Reid, but I need to get him out of my mind. The mini obsession I am having of him is driving me crazy a little.

Trying my best to divert my attentions.

I can't get out of the house, it is pretty inconvenient when I had to visit the toilet bowl so frequently.

Argh...what should I do?

Zodiac Compatibilities

2012-01-06T10:03:00.004+08:00

9.39 am

I miss December...cos it was pretty cooling at that period with all the rain. I slept much better at night.

But January has been pretty humid. In a day, I would shower more than 3 times. I can't really sleep cos of all the sweat.

Hmmmm.

Anyway, the other day I was talking about soul mates and my ex-boyfriends. After much thought, I realized that our zodiac signs weren't compatible. Is it possible that the incompatibilities made failed relationships?

According to wikipedia;

Scorpio has the highest compatibilities with Cancer and Pisces. High compatibility would be Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn whereas the lowest are Aries, Libra, Sagittarius, Gemini, Leo, Aquarius.

I had never dated anyone with the highest compatibilities which are Cancer and Pisces.

My exes were Aquarius, Sagittarius etc which are generally the lowest.

One thing I know of being a Scorpio is that I am quite possessive in my relationships and am extremely loyal but it was hard to have a loyal partner and our characteristics and what we want in life just does not match.

I think it would be so darn cool to have either Pisces or Cancer as my match. I really wonder.

http://www.gotohoroscope.com/scorpio-compatibility.html

Scorpio and Pisces love compatibility

This may be a love at first sight combination. There is a strong mutual attraction between them. Pisces are ready to rely on Scorpio to compensate their indecision, and will agree with the Scorpio's aspiration to dominate. Scorplo's jealousy and possessiveness won't bother Pisces-in fact, it makes Pisces feel loved. Pisces's dependency is just what Scorpio is looking for. These two share a special communion, much of it on a sensual, unspoken level. Both have intense feelings, are loyal, intuitive, interested in the mystical and the unusual. Their sexual life should be delightful. The Pisces are inventive. The Scorpio is persevering. Both - affair and marriage are successful.

Scorpio and Cancer love compatibility
Masterful Scorpio should make a good mate for quiet spoken Cancer. The Scorpio's force and his/her needs to dominate and protect is just what the Cancer is longing for. Cancer's possessiveness will actually make Scorpio feel secure. Cancer admires Scorpio's strength while Scorpio finds a haven in Cancer's emotional commitment. The Cancer is more sensitive about sexual relations, while the Scorpio is more passionate. The Cancer's desire to please helps avoid many problems in this area. The the Scorpio's furious jealousy does not arise, since the Cancer is devoted to the partner. The love will be growing, and this passionate connection can develop in a perfect marriage.

http://www.ask-oracle.com/sign-compatibility/scorpio-woman-pisces-man/

Scorpio and Pisces find much in common in almost all aspects of life and interests. Pisces is more than likely to appreciate Scorpio’s intensity and depth of feeling, while, Scorpio admires, the submissive attitude of Pisces lover. Both of them are focused on an intimate and exclusive bonding.

A Pisces man is, overall, a gentle creature. He is pretty laid back and easy going. He loves being in a cozy and secured environment. His decision making capabilities are quite weak and he tends to rely on others to make them for him. As Pisces man lives his life one can sense a charm and charisma from him as well as a soothing attitude showing that nothing really bothers him. Most consistent way to insure loyalty from Pisces man is to have complete faith in his honesty and to let him know his love and support is desired and valued.

Scorpio woman has a glorious womanhood that comes off as sweet natured, perhaps a bit quiet, and very intelligent, but there is much more going on under the surface. She is a truly complicated woman, and one of the most difficult types to understand. A mastermind of understanding the emotions and motivations of others, a Scorpio woman is not readily willing to give up her own. It takes a special type of man to make her feel as though she can sincerely trust him. But during her courtship with the right person she is strongly loyal and fine woman with all qualities of head and heart.

The relationship that forms between Pisces man and Scorpio woman is very deep on many different levels. It is also quite exciting and evocative on both the sides. Once these two have fallen in love, they get to know the true meaning of connection. Their dreams are tremendous and their ideas are never ending. This is hard for either of them to come by. They both seem as though they are quite good at dreaming. Their love is not all glory, however. It holds some troubles and heartaches along the way. Although Scorpio woman thinks her Pisces man is not ambitious enough and doesn’t seem to want a lot out of life, he shows her different but in a different way. He has his own views on getting what he wants and achieving security for himself and his lover. But for the most part, they are born to love each other.

Pisces man gathers the attention of his Scorpio woman through his tenderness and submissive attitude. She always finds him very supportive and undemanding with a lot to give in both love and life. Their deep emotions for each other run deep and they flow together so well mentally as well as intellectually. Scorpio woman and her immense control and her will power are a great quality in keeping their love alive, as is Pisces man and his colorful and vibrant thoughts and ideas. He always admires his Scorpio woman and gives her all she deserves with true feeling. Pisces man is calm, affectionate and has the ability to turn a bad situation around with his imagination and make it better.

Between these two, this bond becomes strong and long lasting.

The graciously melodious relationship of the Scorpio woman and Pisces man is smooth sailing unison on sparkling water that is so flowery and exciting that it can puzzle the others and force them to admire the beauty of their oneness. They both know where to begin and how to keep on flowing gently with love. As the light of romance dances in their eyes and they look over each other’s flaws to melt in essence of passion, they create a magical world of their own where happiness is reflected through Scorpio woman’s eyes and Pisces man’s charming smile. They are way too generous to take care of each other and bring some lovely changes to make the life more worthwhile. As the music flows through the air with mild fragrance, the Pisces man and Scorpio woman blend all of them beautifully to bind for ever and make an eternal relationship with joy and peace hovering around!

The sexual bond between Scorpio woman and Pisces man is not necessarily an outspoken one. They both tend to keep secrets from others. It is in their nature to do so, however, intimately it is a different story. No words need to be said as Scorpio woman just knows how to satisfy her Pisces man. She knows just what he wants, just what he needs and how to keep him at peace. This excites her immensely. Scorpio woman is also quite good at pursuing him in such a way that he thinks he is doing the pursuing. They both get satisfaction from this which, in turn, increases their love for each other. Because they both seem to know what the other one wants, no words need to be said and this adds a bit more mystery to it all. The connection is simply other worldly and they become in awe of each other. They have this quiet passion about them that rests on a field of intensity that is just waiting to grow above and beyond anything they could ever dream.

Pisces man is better off learning, from the start, that to be honest with his Scorpio woman is the best way to go for everyone involved. If she even remotely senses that he is holding something back from her, she becomes agitated and that is not a good thing. Also, she can learn from her Pisces man on how easy it can be to actually forgive someone rather than holding a grudge for eternity. The connection between Pisces man and Scorpio woman is one of a deep enrichment that is actually indescribable. They connect on so many levels and just seem to flow together so nicely. Scorpio woman shows him the ways of honesty and the confidence in knowing they are able to weather any storm and Pisces man can show her that it is not so bad to forgive and forget. Together they are very happy and close couple.

I think I will like Pisces more just because

These two share a special communion, much of it on a sensual, unspoken level. Both have intense feelings, are loyal, intuitive, interested in the mystical and the unusual.

Now that said a lot about me. I am loyal, intuitive, an am fanatical of the mystical and unusual.

Of course this would be even more cool if I actually meet a Pisces mate!

In a romantic mood.

2012-01-05T09:19:00.004+08:00

Hehe, don't get me wrong. Just in a romantic mood WITHOUT a romantic guy. Must be the chocolates!

Weird huh? Let me be in my dreamland...

Frogs and Princes

2012-01-05T00:18:00.006+08:00

Wednesday 11.40 pm

I did nothing much today. I was sleeping intermittently throughout the day. My awaking times was spent on watching Criminal Minds. Currently at season 4.

Well, I think Spencer Reid played by Matthew Gubler is really cute. A little fascinated by him. But in real life, my choices in men were often bad boys. With one exception, I did fall in love with a scrawny and intelligent teacher once but I think he falls into the category of bad boy too. Cos my life at the period of time was another saga. It did not turn out so well. I blogged about that years ago. I moved on.

I think Reid is way better than he is and of course more cuter.

I used to like being in love. I loved the euphoric feelings it gave. Happiness is often short-lived in my case of love life. Followed by a period of depression and mending my broken heart. Time do heal all wounds. But scars were still here in my heart.

I do want to be married. Have children and the whole white picket fences.

But I am not doing anything about it.

Not doing anything to find my soul mate.

Cos I wonder how many times do I have to have my heart broken.

I am just waiting here for some kind of miracles.

But of course, that is not how life works. One have to work hard for it.

I have kissed so many frogs but none become my prince.

Currently, I have no frogs to kiss though.

Ah well.

What happened?

2012-01-03T22:48:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 10.08 pm

On Sunday evening, I had received an overseas call repeatedly. I googled the country code and it was from Indonesia. I suspected that it could be my uncle or it could be some scammers. So, I decided not to answer the call.

The cell phone kept ringing like every 5 minutes or so. It rang even while I was working. In the end, I switched off the phone. In the back of my mind, I knew who the caller was and the purpose of calling.

About an hour or so after i switched it on, my guess was right and it was my uncle again. He sent me a message. I was feeling a little bit upset because of a number of reasons.

If I have the means to help, I will help. And I have done my best to help him a few weeks ago. Plus, I sacrificed my money which was meant for my bills in which I have not PAID for it yet. He promised that he will return the money asap but how could he do it if even now he is still in a pinch. Why do I have to be the one who is doing the worrying. Why of all the relatives, he asked from me?

Why can't he ask one of the richer relatives that I have. The ones who has $$$$$$$ savings in the bank accounts?

I am the sole breadwinner here. Sis had left for New Zealand. Dad is irresponsible. So do the equations.

Even after hinting him that I need my $300 out of $860 to pay my bills, he did not get the drift that I am hard on cash. He did not even return it and had the nerve asking for more? I told my mum about this and she said that I should tell him truthfully.

And I did. I told him that my back account was left with $30+ and currently on hand about $200+ for me to survive till my next pay.

My bonus money was spent so much on the triple decked beds, my brothers new clothes for school and some well deserved cash for my parents.

This is my duty as the eldest in the family. Their need is my priority. I hardly have enough savings for myself. Whatever I earned is just enough to feed the 5 of us and the daily expenses.

Plus my family have never been closed with any of my relatives and we knew who he was more closer with. So, why did he not ask his closest? Why has it to be my family who is struggling. I am sure he knows about my family situation ages ago.

So why us?

Please do understand if i have the commodities to help, I would. And I am also upset that I was unable to help you. That too bugs me to. It is just that I cannot fathom why even after I truthfully told him about my hard cash strapped, yet he still ask?

What happened to you my dear uncle? The one who earns big money. The one who has a car, lives in a condo, the one who married a rich Indonesian wife. The first who held a wedding in a hotel? What happened?

Ushering the new year

2011-12-30T10:33:00.004+08:00

Friday 10.22 am

I will be ushering the new year again in the ward. I am on the night shift tonight and for the next two nights. My only consolation is that I will be away from the ward for a week. So, hurray to that.

Well, I am not planning to go anywhere next week. Just stay at home and do something spiritual and make myself closer to god. And that is my only resolution for the year 2012.

Looking back 2011 is not a fantastic year of my life. A long period of depression and falling sick frequently. My thoughts are in a mess.

Certainly praying for good years ahead of me. I want to be happier.

Coca-cola Chicken and annoying Sayang my cat.

2011-12-28T21:51:00.000+08:00

Wednesday 9.27 pm

Coca-cola Chicken

Ingredients A

6 chicken breasts (diced)
1 red and 1 yellow capsicum (diced)
2 stalks of celery (diced)
1 broccoli (diced)
1 shallot (diced)

Ingredients B

4 tbsp of normal soya sauce
1 tbsp of light soya sauce
1 tsp of minced dried garlic
1/2 tsp pepper
2 cups of coca-cola
4 tbsp of plain flour and mixed it into a cup of water
2 tbsp of canola oil

Method

on a medium heat, placed 2 tbsp of the canola oil into the pan
put in the shallots and stir fry till its a bit soft
next, the chicken and the two types of soya sauce
stir around for about 5 minutes and put the lid onto your pan
after about 5 minutes, pour in your coca cola.
add the capsicums, celery and broccoli. Stir and mixed well.
add the minced dried garlic and pepper to taste
wait till the water comes to a boil
lastly, pour in the cup of flour which had already been mixed with water. This helps to thicken the gravy.
mixed well and the food is ready to serve with hot rice

Woah, I woke up around 2 pm after sleeping in late. Rose from my bed and switched on the computer to book for 3 seats. Gonna watch Sherlock Holmes 2 tomorrow at West Mall at 7 pm. Had my shower after that and went out for groceries shopping to cook the coca-cola chicken.

I decided to use chicken breasts instead of chicken wings cos I don't want the hassle to use my hands to pick up the chicken. Hahaha. Maybe next time, I will try using chicken wings instead. But if you wanna cook the chicken wings. It is advisable to pour only ONE CUP of coca-cola or else you will ended up with chicken wing soup.

After all those cooking, just chilling at the living room and watched some movies over at HBO demand. Then, my dad wanted to watch some Korean shows. So, I headed to my room and laid down on my bed to do some blogging using my ipad.

And as usual, girl-girl/sayang the cat would attract my attention and laying on my tummy.

Hence, I decided to annoy by capturing her on the video.

Cute right?

So the star of the day today is my lovely sayang.

Sorry for my cooey-gooey voice.

Chilling and broken promises

2011-12-28T00:11:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 11.42

So glad that I am away from work for three days. A day had gone by. Early part of the day, I accompanied my youngest brother to have his debit card made. We had lunch and I did some mini shopping for household items and we headed home thereafter.

I did the laundry, tidied up my room and the living room so that I can just chill at home for the next two days. I wanna do nothing.
*********************
I am a bit upset that my uncle did not managed to return my money. I don't like it when someone broke their promises. Initially, he said that he will return it the next day when he touched down. Then he said that he will return it little by little, which I agreed. But no cash was transferred into my account. So I told him that I will need at least $300 by Monday which happened to be yesterday but I received a text that he was unable to and he will only be back by Thursday. So, I am in a panicky mode. I have not settle my credit card and cable bills.

:(

A lot of 'should have done' and 'shouldn't have done' are in my thoughts right now. Whatever it is, I really hope that he will return at least half the cash soon.

I so don't want to use my backup money.

Happy

2011-12-21T22:36:00.001+08:00

Wednesday 10.16 pm

Yesterday, went to my favourite restaurant to have my meals with mum and my two brothers at Ramen Ten Clementi. Ordered my usual meal. Spicy salmon ramen.

Then, shopped for some new clothes for my brothers. Bought Kose cosmetic items and perfume for my mum and I. Followed by my fav products from Body Shop. Currently loving the satsuma range products. I will buy a few more tomorrow. Hopefully, it will not be out of stock.

Today, I woke up early to do more cleaning of my room. And I received the bed today. Did some rearrangements to my room till my bro and I are satisfied.

It is good to lie down on my new bed and pillows anyway, was a bit shocked that one of my uncles seeked some financial assistance from me. In fact, we all thought he's the richest or financially secured than the rest of us. So, I loaned him with whatever money that I had. I really hoped everything will turn out fine for him especially. He is a good man and I know it is so hard for him to ask some help from me. My family and I were saddened with his plight. Hoped that his bad times will be over soon.

Year End :)

2011-12-19T02:42:00.000+08:00

Monday 2.16 am

Oh god, feeling so sleepy right now. How I wished that I am at home right now. It is a cool night.

And I really enjoyed sleeping from 4 pm till 6.30 pm yesterday when it was raining. I slept at my mother's room cos bros were helping me to throw out huge stuffs such as the bed frames and one of the wardrobes. Perhaps when I get home later, I will sweep and mopped the floor and rearrange my clothes onto a single pole. I dislike putting my clothes inside the wardrobe due to the smell it emits once stored inside for a period of time. Hence, most of my clothes were hung in the open. Plus, I am terrible at folding clothes. Sadly, non of us inherits mum's magic hands. She's able to fold clothes so neatly, at perfect equal sizes and with an ease too.

Over the weekend, did some splurging with the bonus I had. Only managed to give my mum $500 this year end. Besides that, I went to buy the whole set of triple decked bed together with 3 mattresses, six pillows and bed sheets. Spent $980 on it. $ 480 on an LCD tv for my mum to put in her room. The vintage tv of hers had broken down. I bought 4 boxes of daily Acuvue contact lenses. Yup, I have my own glasses. It is just that I am quite vain. I don't like wearing glasses when I wear nice clothes. After that bought some non-designer bags for mum and I.

This Tuesday, will bring them out for food at my favourite restaurant at Clementi Ramen Ten. Gonna buy some new clothes for my bros too.

Hopefully after that, I will not be spending much.

:)

Delighted

2011-12-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

Monday 10.47 pm

A quick run through of happenings today. It is my day off today. Had a good night of an uninterrupted sleep. I think I woke up around 10.30 am. Staring into space for a while. Looked around my room, thinking what items to throw, where should I start cleaning first. After much thoughts, only then I started to move around.

It was no easy feat. I think, I finished cleaning up round almost to 4 pm. Did my laundry too. A really tiring day. I have not moved one of the wardrobes yet. Fortunately bro had already packed some stuffs onto bag. I guess I will do it on my next day off.

I am contented that my room looked more spacious. Hence, it is more conducive to pray.

Waiting for the year end salary to buy a triple decked bed and mattresses, to accommodate my younger brothers and myself since my sis is away at New Zealand. We are pretty much excited to have the room for ourselves.

Darn

2011-12-06T23:01:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 10.53 pm

Darn, couldn't get a cab from work. So in the end decided to take the bus. Chose the bus instead of the train in order to get some seats. But the ride home will be a long one. I will be on morning shift tomorrow.

Talking about cab rides, comfort Del gro will be increasing its taxi fares. Now morning peak hours will start from 6 am instead of 7 am.

Huhuhu. Now I will not have much liberty to take a lot of cab rides to work in the morning. Is it really worth it? Maybe if I am late for work or rather too tired to wake up early in the morning.

Now contemplating whether I should wake up a little laterto take cab or to wake myself up at 5 am.

Hmmmm.

Anyway, sis will be leaving for new Zealand in 4 days time. I shouldn't be saying this. But we are happy she's leaving. We are going to do some serious cleaning of my room. Getting rid of her stuffs and I will buy a triple decked bed in my room, to be shared with my fellow brothers. Gonna free up some space, so that I can have space for me to pray. Current situation in my house is not conducive enough for me to pray.

So four more days. Yay.

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So sweet

2011-11-26T22:24:00.001+08:00

Saturday 10.15 pm

Just reached home about an hour ago. Went to west mall with brother to watch the Breaking Dawn Part 1. Loved the wedding scenes. So sweet. I cried as usual. Always cried at weddings. Certainly anticipating the Finale next year. How wonderful.

******

Changed the way I look, wearing the hijab now after much reflection soon after my 32nd birthday. It is time that I changed spiritually and really hoping that God will forgive my sins. Honestly, I have not start praying yet, I need to re-learn the holy verses and its etiquette. Sometimes, I would try to remember the verses on waking hours but something always stopped me from remembering. It is scary.

No more waiting for miracle. I need salvation quick. Cos I have been feeling very restless. I need some guidance.

Clumsy me

2011-11-22T18:37:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 6.27 pm

I was being rather careless today. I was getting ready for work. So, had the kettle running. Once done, I poured it into the pail in the bathroom with filled cold water before hand. What I didn't realize was, there's hot boiling water in the water scooper. So as I placed the kettle back onto the kitchen cabinet and went to the bathroom, the first thing that I usually do first before showering was to wash my feet first. And oh my god, most of the boiling water were onto my right foot.

I was in shocked for a second and quickly ran cold water on my foot. After that rushed some iced water too.

Thank god, the burns were not that serious. But it was certainly painful. Burning and stinging sensation.

Went to the doctor to get some bandaging done, cos the friction from slippers and the hospital shoes caused me great pain.

Went for course thereafter.

Now back to my home sweet home. The stinging sensation still lingers. Hopefully, the skin condition does not worsened.
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Thoughts on a restless night.

2011-11-19T04:34:00.001+08:00

Saturday 3.56 am

I am feeling restless again. Slept early around 9 pm and I think I woke up around 1 am. Throat feeling scratchy and having a headache. Woke up, took strepsils. Made some fried rice, logged on to computer and watched some shows for awhile.

3 plus am, I decided to lay down. Tried to get some sleep before work later but just can't.

Surfed through my iPad, reading yahoo news. Did some wiki too. Just surfing through aimlessly till I read some articles about bed crunches in Singapore.

I don't like working in my ward anymore. Main reason, I don't feel special anymore. Meaning it feels like the ward is no longer a specialized ward. Our specialties are plastic reconstructive and aesthetic surgery and ophthalmology. But I think over the recent years we are accepting other cases which are medical overflows and other disciplines due to bed crunches or not enough beds for that certain disciplines.

The sense of identity or autonomy no longer applies here. I am scared of the unknown, unable to expect or render the appropriate care. Yes, it is a good experience. But I do not like changes and chaos. It is inevitable now.

When I am on nights or the overall in charge. The stressors for me are accepting overflow patients. Used to be in dilemma all the time. Some will nag why I took such troublesome cases. I am worried about how the girls handle it on the floor. But now, one can no longer fight for our own beds. Toll order now is just to accept any CASE!

The good is thing is I no longer need to argue much with the bmu and those people who nagged, no longer have the voices to say their opinions.

Another thing is, patients/relatives expectations. So many scary news in the ward lately. Even though I have no direct involvement in some of the news. I feel it. Affected by it.

What makes us so busy?

I am doing some reflection now. My last night, around 5 plus am. One of the juniors approached me, saying that one of the patients relatives demanded to be sponged early. I roughly told her, if she wants to be sponged. She have to wait till you(the junior) have finished routine tasks on hand.

And at that time, I was busy with my own tasks. The usual tasks around that time for me are, suture toilets, blood glucose monitoring, blood taking, finalizing report entries. Totaling of the number of patients, updating trend care and printing out, last minute tidying up the nursing counter before the morning girls arrive.

Overwhelmed by paperworks?

Or we were just unable to adapt to tasks that differs from our normal routines?

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Updates

2011-11-18T15:26:00.000+08:00

Friday 2.48 pm

Watched Immortals with my youngest bro. Initially, wanted to watch The Adventures of Tin Tin but after watching the trailer of Immortals from a source (which I cannot remember). Decided to watch something with more action power.

Yup, lots of actions and gore. Excellent CG effects. Even though the story line is rather predictable and the plot lame but the actions made up for it. I don't like the initial scenes of Freida Pinto when she woke up from her visions/nightmares. Her eyes didn't show how terrified she was and her so called labored breathing was not so convincing but after that scenes, she is alright though. But my bro was shocked with one of her naked scenes and we were wondering whether this show is M18 cos my bro is only 16. So, oops! And I just checked out. It was M18!

*************

My hair is thinning! Everyday, after shampooing my hair. I lost maybe at least 20 strands of hair. I was so disturbed by it and quickly searched my room for the hair tonic which I used to use. But did not use it cos I don't like the herbal smell. But after using it, there's certainly a great difference. For instance, I counted (in the shower room), 5 strands of hair. So not that bad right?

Hence, I bought new ones of Audace hair tonic and shampoo despite hating the smell very much. But if it does wonders, so why not right?

Gosh! I am 32!

2011-11-12T09:37:00.001+08:00

Oh my god, it's my birthday today and I am 32 years old!

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Jittery

2011-11-07T21:38:00.001+08:00

Starting feeling the jitters again. The anxiousness and uneasiness....

Sigh

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Thoughts

2011-11-04T23:49:00.002+08:00

Sigh.

Sometimes I am frustrated with the new girls at work. Some do not know how to ask questions on things that they are not familiar with. And if they can't find a solution, they just left things as it is. I think if you ask the appropriate person, I am sure they would help you.

I would like to elaborate more on my feelings here but I guess I should leave it in my heart instead.

But I will make sure to make a point to her when I see her the next time.

Just a reminder to me.

Plus, if you had noticed I rarely complained about work related issues. Haha, I used to complain alot about work in the past. My grievances with so and so but nowadays can't be bothered.

Other issues are on my mind lately..like my usual 'suffering in pain'. Recently in low spirits cos of me, frequently falling sick this year, together with bouts of depression.

Most of the time, I really really feel that I want to be alone by myself. Maybe a few months or so but realistically I know I can't.

Something is eating me up emotionally.

I wanted to be strong but am not that strong.

Dear God, please show me some light. I am lost.

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Satisfying my craving

2011-11-03T20:10:00.000+08:00

Thursday 8.04 pm

I was a bit pissed today cos no matter what I eat and the meds I took. I am having the gastritis still. Since I ran out of mylanta, decided to buy one over the counter unfortunately, there's none. So I just bought another form of medication suspension.

After that, I bought food that I have been craving for weeks such as cheese fries, KFC egg tarts and Indian rojak.

Very satisfying.

Currently I am on hold on taking the TRA medications too. Not too sure whether those are the ones that aggravated my condition.

So I will see how it goes.

:(

2011-10-31T10:09:00.001+08:00

10.06

After the meds, fell asleep. Woke up cos in pain again. Maybe someone casted an evil eye on me.

:(

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FML 100 times!

2011-10-31T05:20:00.001+08:00

Monday 5.05 am

I am in pain yet another time again. The pain occurs around 3.30 am. After applying tiger balm, without showering, I went straight to see the doctor. I simply won't want to wait till the pain is gone. I want immediate treatment and relief.

I am just so pissed! It is not as if I did not watch what I am eating. I didn't take spicy food these few days and I did not have carbonated drinks for weeks. I regularly comply with the medications and the rules. Such as: take 1/2 to an hour before food and so forth. Yet, in a day. I can have the pain 2 or 3 times intermittently despite taking the meds.

It is upsetting.

I had just consumed 30 mls of mylanta. 40 mg of omeparazole and 1 tab of buscopan. Please work your magic!

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Misery

2011-10-29T19:21:00.001+08:00

Saturday 6.57 pm

I know I shouldn't be saying this. But somehow I feel that my life is hopeless cos of the abdominal pain that I was having this morning. Felt like ending my miserable life there and then, probably jump down from the 3 rd floor. This year alone, I have taken more than 8 days of sick leave and I am not proud of it. There were times on whether I should be concern of the wagging tongues or should I be just concerned of myself.

I simply cannot bear the pain. It is just your normal type of pain and I feel that my quality of life sucks cos I can't even enjoy the days away from work when I am at home. At work, i will be very grumpy and inability to focus. Bearing the pain for a few hours. Waiting for the meds to do its wonder and I cannot do my own home leisure activities. But imagine those who have cancer pain. Imagine the pain that they have gone through!

Food for thought eh.

But seriously, how did I ended up having gastritis? I hardly take any NSAIDs nor drink alcohol but what causes it?

Why?

Today, the pain only subsided after I took lunch. Thank god for that, if not probably I would have jumped.

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FML!

2011-10-28T05:14:00.002+08:00

Friday 5.15 am

This year is certainly not a great year for me. I am either in pain and sick most of the time. My stomach has been giving a lot of problems. Currently, I am on a diet plan. Not too sure whether the diet caused me to have gastric but I think the triggering factor which started the whole pain saga was, too much young ginger I cooked in a broccoli a few days ago. I have been having pain since then. Yesterday and the day before, accompaniment with diarrhea.

So what if I rested at home, the pain will come intermittently every few hours.

Losec used to work its wonders but not anymore. I even took famotidine but the pain still occurs.

Now, I am feeling so fucking bloated. The backache sucks. I really hated this!

First time.

2011-10-20T00:19:00.001+08:00

Wednesday 11.57 pm

My 2nd night shift, a death occurred in the ward. It was my first time handling it which contributed to a lot of hiccups in the beginning.

Nevertheless, I learnt a lot from it due to the hiccups.

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Belly Dancing

2011-10-17T15:42:00.001+08:00

Monday 3.34 pm

Belly dancing.

No. I didn't take any course on belly dancing. Not even interested. So why the hell is my blog title for today is Belly Dancing?

Cos I dream that I was dancing the belly dance! My dreams are mocking me I supposed.

Furthermore I was belly dancing at my workplace and I was teaching somebody on how to belly dance. In the dream, i was kinda impressive. Even Lew is in my dreams, she told me I have to extend the dancing session for another 10 minutes to make up for other performances by other dancers. So in the dream, I was like saying to myself what the hell?

Kalau perut aku kempis, badan aku slim, boleh ah. Ini babat semua terkeluar!

Meaning, I don't mind if I have a flat tummy or a slim body. But my abdominal fats are bulging out. Crazy right?

So much so that I dislike the dream, thus, I woke up from it. And when I woke up. Kinda missed my Mr L. I so want to see him in my dreams.

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My crush 10 years ++ ago

2011-10-16T15:44:00.001+08:00

Sunday 3.37 pm

I haven't had nice dreams lately but today, I dreamt of a guy whom I had crush with when I was a nursing student year 2 during my polytechnic years.
In the dreams, I was super happy cos I haven't seen him for so long and suddenly appearing in my dreams 10 years later seems liked a good omen!

His initial name started with an L. He has this super great smile and I used to try to catch the train a bit later so that I can be in the same cubicle with him. He likes to wear long sleeved sweater. Every week there is sure to be a green sweater. I even professed my love to him! But of course, I was rejected cos at that time, he already had a girlfriend which I didn't know of. Bummer.

But anyway, soon after the rejection, I had a boyfriend. After that we met once together with our own partner at geylang during the Ramadan.

We never met after that...

Ha!

I won't tell you what the dream is about, rather sweet. But on the other hand, in real life, he could be married and what not. Boo hoo.

But seriously, I am happy.

Dear God, I may not know what this dreamt meant. But if i could be as happy as I was in that dreams, I would be so grateful.

I need some LOVE!

Dear God, make it come true! Please!

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Dieting saga

2011-10-15T05:52:00.001+08:00

Saturday 5.41 am

The other day, on a Thursday. Met up with Soo Wen after work to purchase The Right Approach Diet plan.

My current weight right now is 82.9 kg.

So, i am on a dieting saga.

3 months of not having my favorite/convenient food is no joke. I guess I will sneak to eat on those perhaps every 2 weeks as an indulgence.

Hence, Today is the 1st day of the diet plan.

I was supposed to eat two wholemeal bread with one egg but I don't fancy bread much plus, I have already bought cornflakes and milk days ago. So I ate my cornflakes and meal instead.

Later on, I will cook my own meal. Just did groceries shopping earlier on. So today's lunch will be 1/2 bowl of rice, Kai Lan with oyster sauce and stir fry broccoli and minced chicken.

My snacks allowed are FRUITS only. Bought some pears for that purpose. I don't like apple as well. Pear is the subtitute.

I think it is time to shed the pounds and to feel lighter and healthier.

Fighting!

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Mum's 52nd Birthday

2011-10-14T21:22:00.001+08:00

Friday 9.14 pm

I woke up around 11 am today. Was so dead tired from the day before. I took 2 piriton cos I was sneezing non- stop.

And I was so comfortable (sleeping) that i do not want to move my ass out of my bed but considering that it is Mum's birthday, I woke.

Had my shower. Youngest bro and I went to West Mall shopping centre first to buy the birthday cake which I had bought from Swensen's. Did some mini shopping 1st before heading home.

Then, mum, my 2 bros and I went to Clementi to eat at Ramen Ten. Followed by buying birthday gift for my mum, she wanted a bag. So she got one. I bought some other stuffs and headed home.

Only when my dad comes home, then we took the birthday photos.

Sorry mum, it is nothing much from me. But I do really appreciate you. May God bless you with good health, long life and happiness.

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Red light pain

2011-10-07T23:44:00.001+08:00

Friday 11.36 pm

Yesterday, I was unsatisfied cos the 'period' flow rate ain't heavy but unfortunately today, I had changed the sanitary pad more than 8 times. Certainly was not used to seeing a lot of blood.

And my pain score is 10/10!

I am taking anarex now. Hopefully it will work. I do not dare to take any NSAIDs though in view of my gastritis. Certainly do not want to aggravate my stomach.

The pain caused me to do my work in slow motion today.

When I think about it, I would rather have amenorrhea rather than dysmenorrhea.

Damn painful.

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Bloody cockroach!

2011-10-07T03:43:00.001+08:00

Friday 3.39 am

Wahlau! Was awaken by creepy crawly insect! The famous COCKROACH! Eeeks! Flying around as well. OMG!

Anyway, took some painkillers for the menstrual pain at the meantime. Gonna try and fall back to sleep cos ENOUGH SLEEP=A HAPPY SUMINI.

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Boring updates as usual

2011-10-07T00:54:00.001+08:00

Friday 12.33 am

Not that sleepy yet, so decided to blog in for awhile.

General updates of my life. Hmmm, let me see.

Well, for one, I decided not to retake my blood on Wednesday. Firstly, I felt okay except for the tachycardia and I simply do not like to wait for a long time at the staff clinic. Furthermore, on that particular day, I have so much things to do at home. Those things are; laundry, tidying up my room and cooking. Certainly felt like not going out of my house.

Still having the aching feet but not as painful as before. Had menstrual cramp after taking the hormonal meds prescribed by the dr at the staff clinic last week. The menstruation came, but it is not as good as I had expected. In terms of the flow rate. Mine, rather spotty. Just see how it will go

Depression, not so much nowadays too. Had enough amount of sleep for at least more than 6 hours.

Sleep is quite important.

Enough sleep = Happy Sumini

So yay to that.

Anyway, had a worrisome dream yesterday. It was about my maternal grandmother. It was always about me wanting to visit my grandmother with my mother but often ended up not being able to locate my grandma successfully. Plus I dreamt that my grandma neighbors told me that grandma had passed away for quite awhile and they didn't get to get any answers despite calling my home number.

Yes, I do have two landlines number at my home. But my Mum did not want to connect any phones to it!

See how freaky that dream was?

Certainly hoping that it is just dream. Gonna ask my mother in the morning, if during emergency at Sarawak, how do they contact my mother?

Let's pray that my grandma is alive and well.

Amin.

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Roti jala & sakitnya kaki ku.

2011-09-27T10:45:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 10.39 am

So glad today that I managed to cook a complete roti jala together with curry chicken.

But it caused me a lot of pain, standing to cook and walking around the house. My feet hurts really bad. Ever since the day I had fever a few days ago. Pain in the bones of my feet and certainly not sure why and not forgetting the joints in my fingers. I even had difficulty holding on to a pen!

I really give up on myself.

What the F is wrong with me?!

Maybe I have plantar fascitis!

Hmmm why?

2011-09-25T01:23:00.001+08:00

Why do I keep falling sick? Initially gastric problems, followed by abdominal pain, now fever, high heart rate, rashes. One problem after another.

Dear Allah, are you testing me?

Please don't let me fall sick when I am old.

Ya Allah, I do think of you alot. Yet I am ashamed to face you. Excuses maybe. I will try to get my acts together. Dear god, please give me more time. Please give me a chance to be ready. Please wait for me.

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Trip to A&E

2011-09-24T23:01:00.001+08:00

Saturday 10.49 pm

I was not able to sleep today and I was anxious of my condition. Therefore, I decided to make a trip to A&E thinking that I would rather wait for my blood results on a bed rather than the chairs in the staff clinic.

I was still having fever and petechia rash which was non-itchy. I was having the sinus tachycardia too. My platelets are within the normal range but in the end my eosinophils and eosinophils absolute were high according to the memo which was supposed to be given to the staff clinic. My eosinophils has been high for few years. It could have been due to my eczemas but I don't think it is related to my fever though.

Anyway, I was being observed in A&E for another 8 hours in view of sinus tachycardia and was given an iv hydration throughout. God, I was so damn bored. My head and knees are aching and I just cannot sleep. The second FBC was taken, only a slight drop of platelets.

I will be taking another FBC test at staff clinic this Monday. I will be having a 4 days away from work.

Well not that 'yay'.

I can't do anything much at home. I can't seem to have the strengths to do any household chores.

Getting up, walking here and there feels like a no easy feat for me to do. It was painful.

So here am I, lying on my bed with my iPad.

Really boring.

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Aiyoh, sick again

2011-09-23T22:53:00.002+08:00

Friday 10.53 pm

I fell sick again when I was at home for the past 3 days. The first 2 days were mild headaches accompanied with low grade fever, I even experienced weird pulsating aches at my hip bones. I was like thinking to myself, " what the hell now?"

And today after I was happily wrapping myself under the blankets cos i felt so cold, i woke up to find myself covered in rashes. I thought it was food allergies and took anti-histamines. I showed my mum the rashes which were rather apparent on my inner fore arms and bilateral thighs and she exclaimed too saying, " What sickness I am having now?" and I replied it could be allergy. But even after taking piriton and paracetamol. The rashes were still visible and after much thought process. I googled to find out what could be possible diagnosis with fever and rashes.

My heart almost jumped when the initial searches was Scarlet Fever but after reading the symptoms and the pictures of rashes that were more similar to mine, I began to suspect that I could have dengue fever.

Reluctantly, get myself off my mum's bed. Had a shower and went to see the GP.

And yes, he too suspected that I could have Dengue Fever. I was given a memo to have an Urgent FBC and Dengue serology tests at my staff clinic tomorrow. Luckily, I brought home my staff pass. So will see them coming morning.

Normal

2011-09-18T20:01:00.001+08:00

Sunday 7.58 pm

Currently, in the cab right now. God, it was such a humid day. I was sweating non-stop. Anyway, I had checked my pulse rate today and it finally came to about 80 to 88 beats per minute. No more fever nor headaches. Thank God. Amin.

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Sick

2011-09-16T03:35:00.001+08:00

Friday 3.24 am

I was not feeling too well for the past 2 days and I did come to work though. My temperature tend to rise when it is approaching the night time but I was having tachycardia for 2 days and it was constant throughout. I was worried that I might have an atrial fibrillation so I seeked help from Lin Mei and Lynette to do an ECG(thank you very much) No A.F but just sinus tachycardia.

At the end of shift yesterday, my temperature was 37.9. And after much thoughts, i decided to go to A&E cos I was worried that my GP may not be able to handle much. Plus after all the investigations, I need not pay a single cent in A & E. Dr said all my bloods result are normal and I just have to continue checking my pulse rate and fever for the next few days. If I am still having high pulse rate and even with no fever, I shall seek a cardio dr.

So see how lah.

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I am sick

2011-09-12T01:36:00.001+08:00

Monday 1.20 am

I am pretty much miserable right now. Having blocked nose on the left, a runny nose on the right. My eyes are swollen. My vocals are rather manly and I was so stupid for not asking a 2 days of sick leave cos I looked sicker than a patient at work yesterday. I guess I shouldn't have worn the BB cream and nude lipstick, it scared some of my colleagues I supposed.

But I guess, it is prove that 'hey, I am sick' and am absolutely not faking it.

Oh well, I was the overall-in-charge. Hence, I do not experienced much of the nursing workload. So it is not so bad. But I do feel that I have an astral experience though. My body is in place but my mind is somewhere. And thank God, I do not have to handle much of F.O.N patients or relatives. Thank you god for having some mercy on me.

Apart from that, I am still worried about the daily gastritis and backache that I am having. I suspected that my irregular menstrual period and a possible growth of ' don't know what ' in my pelvis area as indicated in a kub few years back of which I have still not consult my gynecologist.

Maybe, I am in denial of sorts and I guess I am scared of being scolded by the doctor for not seeking an early treatment. Plus, I cherished my rest days or day offs so much so that I do not want to sacrifice those days just to see the gynae.

Oh well, excuses I supposed. I told mum, that maybe after bonus this year I would see one. In case I was to be admitted and at least I have some cash to fall back upon.

I haven't had proper menses for the past 9 months honestly. I would just experience spotting which will only last for a day or two. Not the usual regular flow.

Hmmm.

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I also want lah!

2011-09-10T01:40:00.001+08:00

Let's jump together. I also want to jump down from the 13 floor with you.

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Raya visitings.

2011-09-05T23:46:00.003+08:00

Monday 11.49 pm

I am very thankful that my Father feels like celebrating this year. We have not visit relatives houses for the past three years.

I think we managed to go this year cos Dad has some extra cash and I have been telling him that it is not very nice that relatives came to our houses. But we have not come to theirs.

We have several more houses to go. I will be going to one on this coming Thursday. I had forgotten that the ward colleagues had scheduled on that day as hari raya visitations too. Sorry Gals, going out with my family cos like I have said, it has been three years of hiatus and also I am the ONE who nagged at my Dad to go. So, if I do not go. I will look bad you see. Hehe.

But I so wanted to go to the hari raya open house on saturday. It was one of my uncles and auntie Meiling's house. Kaypoh mah. Never see their house before.

Pray hard that I can get morning shift on that day.

Tummy, tummy

2011-09-05T13:08:00.001+08:00

Monday 1.10 pm

Tummy, tummy. I can't praise you too soon as after 3 hours of sleep. you have already give me problems.

*sigh*

Maintain please

2011-09-04T21:14:00.001+08:00

9.13 pm

Alhamdulillah, when I woke up around noon till now, I didn't experience any abdominal pain or bloatedness and backache. Dear tummy, please maintain it that way okay?

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No joke

2011-09-04T04:22:00.001+08:00

Sunday 4.10 am

This is no joke man/woman. I am having the abdominal pain again! I was thinking of going to the a&e department but considering what my GP had said, which was 'nothing serious', just abdominal wind of sorts, stopped me from going to a&e. Yes, there is wind and usually I was able to FART a lot but the problem is, I don't fart or belch much!

And the time now was 4.14 in the bloody morning and I am not drowsy yet with the combos of meds. Which comprises of fluvoxamine, omeparazole, buscopan, anarex, antacid and lacteol forte! I am blogging in just to divert the pain away.

Argh, and I absolutely don't want to wake my mum up for massage. I have had a hot shower, doused my tummy with tiger balm, laid on air freshener against my back to minimize the back pain. Unfortunately, my pain score is still a 5/10.

I am deeply frustrated.

Ya Allah, what is happening to me? I have never had prolonged abdominal pain cum gastric for this long. Plus medications used to work it's wonders but why it does not now?

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The worst AL of my life

2011-09-02T06:17:00.001+08:00

Friday 6.02 am

This week is the worst annual leave of my life. Yes, I do get to prepare and celebrate Eid. But the tummy problems that I am having daily is the main cause.

In fact, I had seen the doctor again yesterday after my mum kept telling me to see one.

The pain would often occur when I was sleeping. It would either happened around 3 a.m in the morning and 5 a.m. I cannot bear the back ache and the bloated tummy which will last for hours. And I often get moody due to that. No matter what types of food or drinks I avoided, the pain just loved stalking me. Even with the plentiful medications that the dr gave me yesterday.

I AM IN PAIN!

I am my wits end.

And when I am in pain, I tend to be very noisy such as groaning, whining, cussing non stop.

Mum was quite nice to my demands cos I would often wake her up just to get a massage.

Dear God, help me please.

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Blab

2011-08-31T15:37:00.002+08:00

Wednesday 3.37 pm

Celebrated Eid yesterday. A tiring hot day indeed. Marveled at my Mum for cooking a number of dishes during the day. I was tired only after coming up with two dishes and yet Mum was like an energizer bunny, worked non-stop till night time.

Relatives commented the same thing about like how fat I was and when I am getting married.

Talking about being fat, I think I should consider my eating habits. I have been tummy problems for several days. Gastric pain, lower abdominal pain and backache is really lowering my spirits down. But the puzzling thing was, I tried to minimize food that may caused any discomforts but the pain came when I am sleeping. Thus, I would be awaken from my sleep once the pain had started.

Mum told me to do a proper full medical check-up since I am having the pain everyday.

I am still procrastinating about it though.

Even now, I feel pretty uncomfortable.

Last day

2011-08-29T05:00:00.001+08:00

Monday 4.54 am

Last day of the fasting month, sadly I wasn't able to fast for the past few days due to the gastritis. It recurs again today but the pain wasn't as severe as few days ago. I can't seem to enjoy food too. Hopefully, my stomach can 'stomach' all my fav food tomorrow.

Inshallah, next year I have a better fulfilled ramadhan.

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I feel the love.

2011-08-27T17:05:00.001+08:00

I have been having gastric pain for the past three days. My pain score is 8/10. I can't sleep well, I've been disturbing my mum and bros to massage my back and tummy. I took meds diligently too and watched what I am eating but the pain keep recurring and today the pain lasted for more than 8 hours.

I felt better after vomitting everything out and bro rashid was so sweet to buy me Eno ginger and antacid, insisting that what he bought will work for me.

I took the Eno, I need to get well soon to prepare for hari raya.

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Mum, I love you.

2011-08-26T09:18:00.001+08:00

Friday 9.04 am

There were times when I cannot stand my mum but nevertheless she is the best. Especially at times when I am in pain physically. My usual ailment would be gastritis and I have mild pain since yesterday at work. But as soon as I break fast, the pain worsened. When I runs out of medications, the non pharmacological intervention would be a massage on my back and tummy with lots and lots of tiger balm or axe oil and it often works after an hour. Unfortunately, the pain did not subside even after my brother and my mum massage my body.

I can't sleep because of the pain and I had to wake my mother in the middle of the night just to have the massage, and she obligingly did so even though she was tired.

Thank you, mum.

I love you.

May God bless you with a healthy long life and I wish you to be happy at all times. I know it is not easy being a wife to my father. I wish that he can make you a happier person but I know how difficult it can be. How I wish that I can provide you with a better life, but this is the best that I can do. I hope I make you proud.

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A better today

2011-08-24T23:15:00.001+08:00

Wednesday 11.12 pm

My mood was better today. Took faverin, piriton and anarex to help me sleep for longer hours and I did. Woke up for sahur at around 3 am and continued sleeping till about 8 am. So not that bad.

I am bit excited for the preparations for hari raya. Just hoping that my father has the mood to celebrate it this year.

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If one day when my sanity began to cease...

2011-08-23T20:43:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 8.19 pm

I have had trouble sleeping for several months now. Apart from the many stressors is my life, one of the contributing factors was from an inconsiderate behavior of a person who would routinely woke up at the same time daily in order to have conversations with her boyfriend on the computer in our room.

I have spoken about this matter several months ago and the action that i took was to shift the computer out to the living room. I do managed to have some peace but not for long her behavior is getting on my nerves again.

About a month ago, I was on night shifts. I came only to realize that the computer was in the room when I opened my eyes from my bed. I was flooded with so many thoughts that I cried and told mum about my unhappiness.

She reassured me that my sis will bring out the computer back into the living room cos she had done it a number of times when I was working nights. Well, that is fair enough I supposed.

Recently, she had repeated this again and the thing that made me really upset was, she did this while I was still at home and when I tried my very best to have an ample amount of sleep.

I took an AL today cos I wanted to rest. But it is of no use. As I was about to drift into sleep, she came home, switched on the computer and with that irritating English accent, fake laughters and what not. I was awaken by it. So I yelled from my bed but to no avail, she continued chatting. Ignoring me.

I was frustrated by then, and called my mum via my mobile phone to ask her to shift the computer back to the living room. Of course with that kind of anger, I can't go back to sleep.

I am disliking her more and more.

It wasn't only me. My other siblings too have grown tired of her. So much so that we cannot wait for her to get out of this house and lives with her boyfriend.

I am ashamed ( rolls eyes) to say this but I would not miss her when she is gone.

Cruel of me?

It is not nice if a family becomes a stranger to you.

I certainly cannot help it.

How can I cope with my depression when a home which was supposed to be a sanctuary, was not one?

If one day I had gone bonkers or admit myself to IMH.

These are the reasons why.

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Foul mood

2011-08-23T10:18:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 10.11 am

I'm in a rather foul mood today. Even though I had slept in early last night, I woke up 3 hours later and can't get back to sleep. When I tried to sleep after sahur, she Was on the computer, always trying to act cute, lovey dovey voice and irritating fake laughter at almost of every end of sentence with her Ang Moh bf.

I was so pissed off that I can't sleep.

Fortunately, I was given one AL and thank god she had gone to work. Peaceful and quiet.

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Kekek

2011-08-21T04:17:00.002+08:00

Cravings

2011-08-20T12:39:00.003+08:00

Saturday 12.34 pm

Finally nights are over. So glad that Halijah accompanied me to Harbour Front to collect some things. After that, I tried my luck at West Mall to see whether the supermarket is open and I am glad that it was. Bought some things to cook for break fast later. I have been craving for fried macaroni that has prawns, fish cakes etc.

So cooking done, gonna sleep now.

Good ' night ' haha.

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Stalker

2011-08-19T09:07:00.002+08:00

Friday 9.03 am

Thank God it's Friday! My last night too. But the headaches are still stalking me daily. I even took cocktail combos of medications such as panadol, ponstan, famotidine, stemetil and maxalon and yet it did not help to lessen the pain, giddiness and nauseousness.

Humph!

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Thoughts

2011-08-18T10:14:00.002+08:00

Thursday 9.56 am

I did not managed to fast again today. Was hit by migraine and I had vomit out whatever I ate last night. Medications taken, unfortunately I have not succumbed to sleepiness yet.

I guess I am no longer suitable to do night shifts. Boohoo. I do like the extra cash comes out of doing nights though.

Oh well, signs of aging.

Anyway, looking forward towards the weekend. Contemplating whether I should make my signature cornflakes cookies. I really dislike baking though. I prefer cooking more than baking. So I am certainly thinking about it. Besides that I was searching the Internet for new cornflakes cookies recipes. Some uses peanut butter and I wonder how it gonna taste like. I am caught in between trying the old and the new recipes.

I might give it a go, provided that I am not lazy. Hopefully, I will not fall sick again after my night shifts.

Apart from these thoughts, I have been having nightmares despite me saying prayers before going to bed. The nightmares can be so vivid at times. But the scariest nightmare that I had experienced was the scenario cum environment was exactly the same of my waking time environment. The only difference was a ghostly lady with long straight hair with straight bangs, creeping out from my leg towards my back. After a few seconds of struggling to be really AWAKE, only then I managed to say out loud God's name.

After that, I quickly turned to my right laterally. Cos it has been said that sleeping on a supine or left laterally ain't that good. It made the spirit or Jinn enters your body more easily.

*shudders*

I shall try to go to sleep now. It is 10.14 am already. 2 more nights to go.

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Location:Bukit Batok East Avenue 5,Singapore,Singapore

Chemical imbalance

2011-08-15T05:56:00.004+08:00

Monday 5.57 am

*SIGH*

Felt like my heart is a cumbersome baggage.

I am back to sleeping a few hours in the night despite taking the prescribed medications regularly. Could it be the night shifts which had disrupted my whole Cicadian rhythm? Or just plain psychological yet another time again? Guess that my serotonin level is still imbalance.

*Sigh*

Don't know what to do with myself anymore. So difficult to stay positive and happy. Worries, anxieties, fear of the unknown is plaguing me everyday.

Plus other ailments are bringing me down too such as gastritis, headaches and giddiness and Allergic conjunctivitis when I am at home.

Argh.

When I am Bored..

2011-08-06T21:34:00.003+08:00

My Sims 3 Screenshots of my townhouse

Sunday 8.52 am

Didn't managed to have a good nights sleep due to me having more than 12 hours of the previous nights. Thanks to the fact that I was unwell. I think my body are not able to take on night shifts as well. Had nasty headaches. After breaking fast last night, I took medications combo of fluvoxamine, arcoxia and pacofen. The plus side, my headaches were gone. The down side, the meds did not knock me out though.

I was awake after 2 hours of sleep. Didn't know what to do, I played with The Sims 3.

Another day of my life

2011-08-04T02:39:00.002+08:00

Thursday 2.40 am

2nd night tonight. So far so good. Quite settled and quiet. Certainly relished with the thoughts of having weekends off.

Currently it is the third day of the fasting month. I did not manage to fast on the first day. Hit by gastric pain and back ache which has been lying dormant for the past few months. Once the losec has depleted and if I did not take it regularly, the pain will recur. Sometimes, I just find it hard to discipline myself to take the meds. Now, I have been forgetting to take the anti-depressant meds for the 2 days as well due to the fasting period and I am currently on night.

Though I am not sure whether my mood has improved significantly. I just felt super depressed on the few hours staying awake before going to work. So that's one of the reasons why I prefer morning shifts cos it gives me less time to be anxious about work. But of course provided that I managed to get some sleep during the night.

Sleep for me is improving I supposed. Not much of staying super awake after 3 to 4 hours of sleep. But I did wake up rather frequently just to check the time to make sure that I am not late for work. At least I was able to fall back to sleep.

I am hoping that my sleep will get much better as the day goes by.

My mood is still at the down low though. Sometimes it is too overwhelming and the hard part is I do not know how to alleviate my anxiety.

Death

2011-07-28T00:51:00.002+08:00

Recently, my mind has been occupied with the notions of death. I do not think of committing suicide, it is just about death. People who died and how easily a life can be snuffed out. Tsunamis, earthquake, accidents, sickness etc. I thought of how much they suffered in the final moments of their life.

I for certain prayed that if my time is up, I wanted to leave happy and of course I want to go to heaven. More often a times I wonder whether God will forgive my humongous sins. Are they pardonable?

Aside from that. Now I began to wonder, the significance of my dreams as I often dreamt that I would jumped off my kitchen window or from my late grandmothers kitchen window which was on the 7 th floor if I remember correctly.

In dreams of course I wouldn't die. I would either just landed on my feet or I would be able to fly.

It has been said that if one dreamt of falling from a height, animals such as cats, dogs, serpents, babies are signs of you have been casted with an evil spells or ill intentions from those who may do you harm.

Hence,this set me thinking. Who could be so jealous of me? Or dreams are one of my many subconscious desires.

Example
Falling from height/ flying: in my dreams, it was my super power and it was fast way to reach downstairs.
Animals ESP cats: I love my cats, most of the cats depicted in dreams were very cute and harmless.
Babies: I wanted to have my own children

So do i have to discern my dreams as negative or positive?

Only God knows.

But if there are really people who casted hexes or whatever not. You better watch out, cos it will fall back to you ten time folds. If not here on earth. You will be dealt with in the after life.

feeling it again

2011-07-26T18:07:00.001+08:00

Feeling the anxiousness and despair again. The fear of god knows what. I want to stay hidden behind these four walls.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

2011-07-24T22:59:00.002+08:00

Watched Harry Potter finale with mum and my bros. Before that, we had a sumptuous meal at Swensen's. The movie was bitter sweet. I had a hard time trying to understand some of the dialogues. And irritated with some movie patrons who kept walking to and fro several times. What an ass!

Anyway, did some shopping after that and did nothing much at home. Sort of frustrated that I don't feel sleepy after taking the faverin. Have a lot of things to do tomorrow such as washing my clothes, cleaning up my room and cooking.

Wishes

2011-07-21T00:28:00.003+08:00

I really dislike my job more and more. I wanted to quit but I needed the money to make ends meet, I am getting unhappier by the minute, depressed by the seconds. God help me please!

Is it all psychological?

2011-07-16T20:48:00.002+08:00

Hmmm,day 7 or 8. Have not seen much improvement but currently another thing that is worrying me is; I am having this dull ache from my upper left inner forearm towards my neck. Just hoping it is not what I think it is. I have enough on my plate already.

Blue

2011-07-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

Day 5 of the meds but I still feel blue and moody. Sleep ain't getting any better too.

Grrrrrr!

2011-07-11T02:32:00.002+08:00

First day of the antidepressant I slept from 1.30 pm till 6 pm. That was the 6th day of having the headache. The next day I was on morning shift and I slept early at 6 pm and woke up at 10.45 pm. Afternoon shift thereafter, very tired on the third day. Took the meds. Slept around midnight and woke up about 2.10am!

Day 1 approx 19 hrs of being awake
Day 2 almost the same hours
Day 3 after less than 2 hrs of sleep. I do not know what to say already.

Maybe i should have been given sedatives too.

2011-07-10T08:35:00.003+08:00

Sunday 8.35 am

Day 2 of the anti depressant and I still feel the same. Dr said that the efficiency of the meds may take a while. I will be on it for a period of 6 to 9 months.

Certainly wanted to feel better and I missed having a good quality sleep without any worries.

:(

2011-07-08T11:52:00.004+08:00

Friday 11.52 am

Finally went to see my family doctor today. It was about my frequent headaches and lack of good quality sleep. I knew I have depression of sorts but to hear it from my doctor and to acknowledge it, was quite hard for me to hear those words. My low spirits or mood have been present and I think it just accumulate over the years. Gonna try out the anti depressant medicine tonight (.Faverin (fluvoxamine)

I do not like my job anymore but hanging on to it cos it's my bread and butter. I wanted to be happy but I am just not. Just feel tired. Helpless. Alone.

Crazy me stage 1.1

2011-06-20T11:48:00.002+08:00

I want to get married, have lots of sex, have four children, lives in a big house, be a housewife and a husband who treat me like a queen. Anyone care to make my wish come true?

Egyptian magic cream

2011-06-19T10:13:00.002+08:00

Sunday 10.14 am

I am supposed to be asleep by now after my night shift. I'm awake cos i needed to wash my uniforms. I was just too darn tired to do my chores which was on Friday. Thus, this is one of the reasons why I like to group my rest day and day off(s) together. One day is for household chores whereas the other is for my own leisure.

Anyway, I would like to do a product review on this Egyptian Magic Cream. I bought this, several weeks ago and I basically used it on my face and my hair. I often use it before I go to sleep. One thing for sure, my skin felt really hydrated. I had a mild eczema on my right eye lid and after using this, it faded away slowly. The only thing that I had to put up with is, my face looks oily but since I am going to sleep and nobody bothers to see how I look like, so why not?

It also does wonders for my hair. A few weeks ago, I bought a hair straightener. It brought disastrous result to my hair. Instead of being straight, my hair became really frizzy. After applying it for several days, my hair condition is getting better. Even though it may appears dry but at least it managed to tame the frizzy hair.

I have not tried applying to my other areas which has eczema especially on my ankles. I was just too darn lazy o bend down and smear the product. So far I am really satisfied it. Gonna try to use it diligently on my face everyday and will see what it does for me.

Broke

2011-06-18T16:31:00.002+08:00

Saturday 4.32 pm

Currently so broke right now, having only left with $20++ in my wallet. Can't wait for the coming bonus next week. Gonna rebond my hair, settle some credits, buy a steam ironed, possibly a new mobile phone and new clothes.

F. R. U. S. T. R. A. T. E. D

2011-06-08T15:06:00.001+08:00

Cb!

Slept at 11+, woke up at 2 due to incessant knocking on the door (postman) at 1.30. Cannot fall back to sleep!

Shall I seek professional help?

2011-06-07T09:19:00.005+08:00

Tuesday 9.20 am

Just finished my first night shift. To my dismay, I am still quite awake. Usually, I would be knocked out by this time. So this made me think whether I should seek some help. Friends at work had given me some advices. At work, I do try to get things done but often I felt as if my mind is floating somewhere. It will take me some time to focus or concentrate nowadays. I often had headaches too which will get worse if I move from one position to the other. Even now, I am having this ache especially around the orbital region but like I have said, I am not that sleepy. I've been popping in a number of paracetamols too.

I have trouble sleeping peacefully and I barely reached 4 hours of sleep every day. I think it Is depression or anxiety of god knows what. I just have this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and if I could, I just don't want to get out of my house. But thinking of my responsibility towards my family and earning money, I just have no choice.

I feel extremely tired. I don't have anyone to talk to cos I myself find it difficult to explain what I am really feeling. I can't help pitying myself.

Do you understand?

Even I can't understand?

Sleep deprivation

2011-06-03T04:58:00.001+08:00

It's another night whereby I had only sleep for less than 4 hours only! It has been like this for the past 3 nights!

No motivation.

2011-06-02T09:50:00.000+08:00

Can I not go to work today? I want to stay holed up in my room all day!

Stop it lah!

2011-06-01T23:49:00.002+08:00

Just find it irritating to come across reading worthless news or issues about people taking photographs of youngsters who did not give up their seats ( in the train). Stop it lah! Ultimately every one on board paid the tickets. So everybody has the right to take their seats. First come first serve. If you are gracious enough please give up your seats. If you are gracious enough, please stop taking photos. Why do people made such big deal about it and I myself don't know why I am so fed up with all these. Fortunately, I am addicted in taking taxi rides to work. Even when I took the train, I often stand rather than me, seating on the seats. Cos I may never know, who will take photo of me.

And to the person who spread a lot of bad attitude and negativity while at work. Fucking stop it! People are already talking about you even despite me not saying anything. You better watch your steps!